What's at the Bottom of the Bag?

Food...Food...Food...

It has been my obsession for years.  But, it is interesting how the obsession has changed.  Understand that I have never truly gone hungry.  I just enjoy food.  I enjoy the smells, the tastes, the visual presentation.  That, in and of itself is fine.  Food has often been the center of family gatherings; something to be savored, enjoyed and lingered over.  This is also fine.

Food becomes a problem when it becomes some type of therapy, a very self destructive therapy.  Many of us learn to self sooth from an early age...even infancy.  This is normal!  But, we sometimes lose site of where self soothing stops and self destruction starts.  For me, "swinging on the fridgerator door" has always been comforting.  I eat when I'm happy. I eat when I'm sad.  I eat when I'm stressed.  I eat because I'm bored.  I just eat...and eat...and eat...and eat.  And, sometimes...I just can't stop. 

I have never been one to eat until I make myself sick, but I know I've come close a few times.

Even admitting this makes me sad.

There is nothing like the look in my husband's eyes as he watches me down a bag of M&Ms.  I'm not talking about the single serving...or even double serving bag.  I'm talking about the 1 lb bag.  Or the look in his eyes as I down an entire bag of Cheetos Cheese Puffs.  What?  They where the natural ones!  That makes it okay right??? The look is not one of disappointment.  It is not one of disaproval.  It is one of love, concern and confustion.  He didn't know what to do.  And God help him...he was loved me enough not to say anything! (Although, I suspect he was awful close to a full scale intervention.)

So, what was at the bottom of these bags? Shame.  I swear I would eat because I was depressed.  And then I would be so ashamed and disappointed in myself that I would just keep eating.  And Eating.  AND EATING!

So, I guess I have to admit that eating is a self destructive therapy for me.  And, as with any other challenge in my life, I have to choose not to be the victim.  I have to choose to control the food and not let it control me.

This is one of the reason's I think counting, measuring, weighing and tracking your food is so important.  You have to be honest when you do this.  The only person you are lying to by not being accurate is yourself.  By tracking your food, you know what you are eating.  By counting, weighing, measuring...you know how MUCH you are eating. 

With P90X I am allowing myself 1800 calories +/- 100 calories with working out.  And, I am minimizing salt, sugar and carbohydrate intake.  I am focused on taking in protein, vegetables and a small amount of fruit.  I plan all my meals.

Tonight I'm gettin crazy!  I'm not eating at home.  I am CRAVING breakfast food.  And, I'm not talking about pancakes, waffles or french toast.  I am craving eggs, turkey sausage and I want 1 piece of bacon!  One of my very good friends in Florida is a personal trainer and she taught me this is a great protein meal.  So...we are heading out to Cracker Barrell.  I've already researched the calories and loaded the information into my loseit.com app.

And...I had a great workout this morning.  Yes...I can't go without saying:  DAY 3 OF P90X! I was able to do all the exercises in the shoulder and arm workout and really enjoyed it.  I worked up a nice sweat too.  We did the ab workout which was a huge challenge and I couldn't do most of it.  So, if I couldn't do it...I just did crunches.  Let me say to all of you again:  just keep it moving. 

In closing, I encourage each of you who reads this diary of my journey to 40 to really consider your food choices.  Are you making good eating decisions?  Are you eating because you are hungry?  Or, are you staring at the bottom of the bag wondering how the hell did I get here?